Happy New Year, Severus my Love!
by Immortalica
Summary: Snape gets moody over xmas and his students try to find out who he'd like to get under the mistletoe...
1. Default Chapter

This is a random little fic, inspired by the craziness that is New Year. *thinks* And also by the fact that I'd rather be doing anything else but revision. *tilts head* And that I haven't written a fic in ages. Oh, and the usual, these characters, the place, the terms etc aren't mine I'm not earning any money from this blah blah blah J.K. Rowling's blah. Also, this is a smut-free fic, but there is implied smut. Hope this aint a problem.  
  
Well anyway, here it is, my first Potter fic, full of red herrings and a particularly vicious Snape. In a red herring costume. *mental image* Okay, I am SO putting that in somewhere! Enjoy, and happy new year!  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
"Last lesson before Christmas!" grinned Harry as he settled into the seat beside Ron.  
  
"Yeah," shrugged the red-haired boy, "but why does it have to be double Potions?"  
  
Harry grinned again at the crestfallen look on his friend's face. "Yeah, I know how you feel. But just think, in two hours' time we can be out of here, and go have that snowball fight with Hagrid!"  
  
"But Ginny said Snape's been in a really foul mood all week," Ron persisted, his freckled face looking panicked.  
  
"You know what I reckon?" asked Harry quietly, leaning closer to his friend with a smirk on his face. "I reckon he's...sexually frustrated."  
  
Ron burst out laughing. "Yeah, you're probably right. Can you really see anyone wanting to...get intimate with him?" He stopped for a moment and his face contorted. "Eww, mental image of him and McGonagall...no, I agree, he's been sexually frustrated ever since you-know-who came back..." He stared at Harry's blank expression. "No, not you-know-who! You-Know-Who!" He nodded meaningfully. "You know-"  
  
"Potty, Weasel," interrupted Draco Malfoy, sauntering over to their desk, greeting each of them with a nod. "As Potty seems to have a mouth as big as his head, I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying. Yes, I should be quaking with fear if I were you. Severus is indeed in a very nasty mood this week, and if any annoying gryffindors should step one toe out of line, he will punish them like never before!" He smirked, starting to return to his seat.  
  
"Oi, Ferret-boy," yelled Ron, "since when have you and Snape been on first name terms?"  
  
Malfoy went an interesting shade of purple. "I...I meant, of course...erm..."  
  
Harry leapt to his feet, clasping his hands in front of his chest. "CAAAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEEEL THE LOOOOOOOOVE TONIGHT?" he sang outrageously, fluttering his eyelashes.  
  
The classroom erupted into laughter as Ron stood up next to him, arms out dramatically as he tried to stay in tune. "That smells like rotten cheeeeeeeeeeeeese!"  
  
They glanced at each other, grinned, and sang in two-part harmony, "Stealing through Snape's PUUUUUUUUUURPLE UNDERWEAR, Malfoy knows Snaaaaaaaaape has FLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAS!!!"  
  
They bowed, expecting tumultuous applause, whistles, or catcalls.  
  
What they didn't expect was the silken, soft, and yet furiously angry voice from behind them that said, "That, I believe, is worth thirty points off gryffindor."  
  
Harry and Ron stayed totally still, their arms still outstretched operatically. "Do you think he saw us yet?" muttered Harry out of the corner of his mouth.  
  
"Nah, mate," replied Ron through gritted teeth as he balanced precariously on one leg. "Just stand still, and perhaps he won't notice us."  
  
"Thirty points each," came that nasal voice, now shaking with fury.  
  
Harry and Ron whirled round to come face to...well, nose, with Professor Snape. They started to gabble.  
  
"Sorry, Professor Snape, sir, we were, we were just, erm, practicing, for the school, erm production, er, of the Loin king, I mean the Lion king, erm, Professor we're so sorry..."  
  
They lapsed into silence under his scathing stare. "Sit down!" he hissed. "If I see you out of your seats again this lesson you'll lose fifty!" He then turned sharply at the sound of the dungeon door opening.  
  
"Miss Granger, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell me why you are two- and-a-half minutes late for my lesson?" he asked coldly, striding menacingly over to her.  
  
"Sorry, Professor Snape, sir," she squeaked, clutching her bag to her as if it could offer some protection, "but Hannah Abbott fell down the-"  
  
"I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses, Granger," he interrupted with a snarl. "Ten points from gryffindor. Now go and sit down and try not to knock anything over."  
  
"But, sir," she protested, "She hurt-"  
  
"No excuses, Miss Granger!" he repeated, smiling nastily at her. "Or it will be another ten!"  
  
"But she hurt-"  
  
"Ah?" he cautioned, raising a finger.  
  
"-she hurt her leg and-"  
  
"Ah?"  
  
"-and I had to take her-"  
  
"Ah?"  
  
"-take her to the-"  
  
"Ah?"  
  
"-hospital wing and-"  
  
"That's already forty points off of gryffindor," he butted in again. "That means you and your delightfully operatic friends have lost one-hundred-and- ten points in two minutes for your house. Are you sure you want to lose any more?"  
  
With tear-filled eyes, Hermione hurried off to her seat. With a malicious smile on his pasty face Snape slammed the door, and swept between the aisles of desks. Before he got half way, though, a voice called out, "Erm, Professor..."  
  
He turned irritably and saw Harry half out of his chair. "Yes, Potter?" he spat, glaring at the irritating boy.  
  
Harry gulped, but knew he had to speak out or face getting into bigger trouble later. "Er, I noticed you have a...a thing on you..." he said vaguely, his adam's apple bobbing nervously.  
  
"What nonsense is this, Potter?"  
  
"Sorry, sir, I noticed as you walked past..." Unable to get his words out, Harry stood and snatched something papery off the back of Snape's robes, where it had been stuck on with sellotape. Snape snatched it back off him and read aloud,  
  
"Snape and Draco, sitting in a tree, L-I-C..."  
  
He stopped, a revolted expression appearing on his face. "Fifty points from gryffindor, Mr Potter," he said furiously, striding up to the front of the class.  
  
"What?" Harry exclaimed hotly, his black eyebrows fusing together like mating caterpillars. "I didn't put it there!"  
  
Snape prodded the parchment with his wand to make it burst into flame, and glared at Harry as if he wished he could do the same. "I know, but I told you earlier that I would deduct fifty points if I saw you out of your seat again by the end of the lesson!"  
  
* * *  
  
"Oh, God," moaned Harry, Ron and Hermione simultaneously as they viewed the giant hourglasses after Christmas dinner. Slytherin's glass was half-empty, Ravenclaw's glass had only a few handfuls of sapphires inside, and Hufflepuff's was empty. But where Gryfiindor's had used to stand was a mess of twisted and blackened glass, and a deep crater from the explosion.  
  
Almost the entire school stood in silence, looking at the result of Snape's furious temper.  
  
"He's finally cracked!" moaned Harry.  
  
"He's done his nut!" whispered Ron.  
  
"He's off his rocker!" gasped Neville.  
  
"He's got a screw loose!" groaned Ginny.  
  
"He's insane!" said Hermione.  
  
Everyone turned to look at her. "Yeah, like, state the obvious Hermione!" remarked Dean Thomas, rolling his eyes. "At least the author could be bothered to find interesting ways for us to say it!"  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
"But he can't do this!" cried Alicia Spinnet.  
  
"He's way outta line!" hissed Lee Jordan.  
  
"He's abusing his power!" agreed Ernie Macmillan.  
  
"He's going DOWN!" yelled a voice.  
  
Draco Malfoy was shaking with anger, standing in front of the Slytherin glass. "He's, he's even taken points off his own house!" he murmured, his voice unbelieving. "The psycho!"  
  
He turned to the rest of them. "Do we all agree that Snape has gone too far?"  
  
"Yes!" came the yelled reply, and students punched their fists in the air.  
  
"Do we all agree that he is sexually frustrated?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Do we all agree to help stop him before this gets any worse?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Do we all agree he has a nice arse?"  
  
"Ye- what?!"  
  
"I mean, do we all agree that something needs to be done?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Malfoy paused, scanning the circle of faces. Then he grinned sheepishly. "You'd think I had a point, wouldn't you?"  
  
Harry shot him a despairing glance, and asked the crowd, "Well, any ideas?"  
  
Cho Chang stood forward from the throng. (Yes, that was throng, not thong, I know how your dirty minds work!)  
  
"This new temper of his, we have agreed, is due to his sexual frustration. We must find out who it is attached to, and urge Snape to seek them out and quell his rising anger!"  
  
There was an immediate roar of approval.  
  
Justin Finch-Fletchley raised his voice. "I vote we send several people to come into contact with him, ask him innocent-seeming questions, while we watch the effects from afar. Then we can work out who he likes!"  
  
Everyone seemed to be in favour of the idea, so the students quickly got down to the business of deciding who would talk to Snape...  
  
* * *  
  
Severus Snape strode pensively along the corridors, his robes billowing out behind him. As he reached the corner, Hermione Granger appeared seemingly from nowhere, her head turned the other way, and promptly crashed straight into him sending both of them, and armfuls of books, bowling over onto the stone floor.  
  
Hermione uttered a little shriek and immediately started to apologise. Snape, however, beat her to it.  
  
"I am so sorry, Miss Granger," he said without seeming to think about it. "Here, let me give you a hand with those."  
  
Hermione stared at him for a second, mouth agape. Then she blinked several times, and watched uncomprehendingly as he picked up her books and handed them to her with a flourish.  
  
"I trust you are not injured, Miss Granger?" he asked with a concerned tone as she simply stared at them. "Maybe I should examine you," he continued, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Hermione grabbed her books, shaking her head furiously. "No, thank you Prosessnose Flape, I mean Processedmeat Snail, I mean, sir!" She turned to go, and he saw her glance quickly up at the corner of the room.  
  
So, he thought with a grim smile, they're spying on me, is that it? Well, they'll never find out anything about me...anything true, at least. I'll give her lots of things to report back to her little friends about. I'll lead them a merry dance before they come close to finding the truth about Severus Snape! Up and down, up and down, I shall lead them up and down! Through the mists and flowerbanks-  
  
"Er, Professor, are you alright? You seem to be dancing round in a circle like a goblin, rubbing your hands together and muttering gleefully to yourself."  
  
Snape paused from where he was about to leap again, his bandy leg extended and toes pointed. Then he coughed and jumped into a far more normal position.  
  
"Ahem. Yes, quite alright thank you, Hermione. Be on your way now." He paused with a sly smile, seeing the effect of using her first name flicker in the set of her face. Then, to his gratified surprise, she mastered it, nodded a goodnight to him, and turned to go.  
  
Now for the final touch, he thought evilly. With a sudden leap he lunged forward and slapped Hermione's behind sharply.  
  
She jumped, screamed like a firework, and dropped her books again.  
  
"Good night, Hermione," he whispered silkily in her ear, and strode away humming to himself. 


	2. Chapter twothe Potter phase

Well here it is...you guys have been bugging me for ages, and I've finally decided to hang the homework and revision and coursework and continue with the fic! I'll be updating...pretty soon, I hope...to Pirates of the Mausoleum as well...  
  
Thank you, all my devoted loyal peeps, who gave me some splendunkulous reviews.. I hope this meets up to your expectations!  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
Snape scanned the corridor with his eyes, his poisonous gaze finally locating a group of students standing huddled in the corner. He recognised Potter's scar and Weasley's hair, and marched towards them, a malicious smile fixed firmly upon his face.  
  
He stood behind the group for a second, then...  
  
"Potter," he drawled lazily, seeing with some satisfaction the shock on the boy's face. If Granger's involved in the spying, I bet young Potter will be in on it too, he thought. But...I wonder...he seems naturally surprised that I should seek him out...then Snape saw the fleeting glimpse that passed between the boy wonder and his red-haired friend, and smiled to himself.  
  
"Yes, sir?" affected Potter, trying to look polite and attentive.  
  
How can I seem to play right into your hands? I must give you a reason to give me a detention, so I can try and find out who you like and tell all my friends...  
  
How can I get you to play right into my hands? You will give me a reason to give you a detention, so I can fool you and all your pathetic, student friends...  
  
"Potter, I...I thought..." Snape cursed inwardly. Damn, but he was sounding like a mumbling girl! I must get Potter to insult me...  
  
...I must provoke Snape...  
  
With a sudden gesture, Harry stepped forward and slapped Snape smartly around the face. "Shall we say pistols at dawn, sir?!"  
  
Snape turned back to him, his eyes dark and confused above the vivid handprint on his cheek. "What just...happened here...?" he managed, replaying the last five seconds in his mind. Maybe Potter was actually hankering after a detention; yes, that would be it. Better not disappoint the boy...  
  
With a sharp movement he stepped forward and slapped Harry round the cheek. "No, boy! We will say detention at six! My dungeon!"  
  
He saw the boys exchange exultant glances out of the corner of his eye, and Ron's slightly disappointed look. Turning to go, he felt the air shift behind him, and then a hand sharply connected with his...albeit poorly- fleshed backside.  
  
Snape squealed like a firework, fell over and got tangled up in his voluminous black robes. He stood up with bad grace, like an unfolding coathanger, and turned around to the giggling group of students with a dire expression on his face. He noticed Ron, with his hand still outstretched, grin triumphantly and wait for the oncoming detention.  
  
Instead, Snape swallowed his anger and smiled seductively at the infuriating boy. "Now now, Weasley, we all know you want to join us. Try and keep your jealousy under control...because I'm not into threesomes!"  
  
* * *  
  
Harry poked his head around the dungeon door, peering around to catch a glimpse of Snape. Seeing nothing, he edged cautiously inside and started to walk slowly towards the front. The dungeon was dark and damp, and the sun had long been abed, so all the pillars threw flickering shadows over the deep dark blue of the stone floor.  
  
Silence.  
  
Harry kept walking slowly up the aisle, his heartbeat sounding awfully loud in his ears. As he got to the front he felt a soft displacement of air, and whirled round to see...  
  
...nothing.  
  
His heart hammering loudly with fright, Harry continued up to the front desk. Now he saw the dungeons at night, he could start to see the glimmerings of truth in some of the more dire and bizarre rumours he had heard...who knew what mystery was to be found here, at night, in the favourite haunt of an 'ex' death eater, the notorious, mysterious, professor Severus Snape!  
  
Not Harry, certainly...  
  
He turned again at another soft swish, closer now, that seemed to come from right behind him. He was terrified now, and reached for a taper that was lying on the desk. He lifted it and magically lighted it with his wand, but the light given off was too weak, so he reached it forward to touch the wick of the lantern hanging on the wall... his terror was everything, now, and the horrors he imagined in store for him almost made him defecate with fear...a vampire, a banshee, one of those people with the belly buttons that sticks out....  
  
...the room flooded with light. And there, in front of Harry, was the last thing he had imagined.  
  
He screamed.  
  
There, in front of him, was...  
  
...  
  
... Snape...  
  
...  
  
...in a red herring suit. (heh, told you!)  
  
Immediately, Snape darted forward and clamped a hand over his mouth. "Quiet, you idiot! I don't want you attracting anyone who could see me dressed like this! Understand?"  
  
Harry nodded, trying not to breathe in the perfumed essence of Snape's hand. As soon as the hand was removed he looked his Professor up and down.  
  
"Erm...sir...why are you dressed like that?"  
  
Snape opened his mouth angrily. "Foolish boy! Why am I dressed like this? I'll bloody well tell you why I'm dressed like this! I..."  
  
He paused, and his face fell out of its contortions, his upraised finger slowly descending. "...er...why am I dressed like this?" he asked with some embarrassment. He looked down at his costume, then shook his fist in the air. "I mean, a herring? Why? I'm Severus Snape, not some kind of wet fish! Couldn't it have been some kind of more majestic animal like a....a platypus? Or...a lion..." He caught sight of Harry's amused smirk, and then stared in horror as a huge finger descended from a gaping hole in the roof and yea, verily, a voice was heard throughout the land...  
  
-"Oi! I'm the writer, Sev-dude, I can do what I bloody well want! If I want you to be in a herring suit, I can do it! It's not your place to question me! I can make you do anything I want...here, watch this!" –  
  
Severus started to prance gaily around the room, waving his hands around in a girly fashion. "Why are you doing this to me?" he wailed, skipping circles around the astonished Harry. "What have I ever done to you?" he moaned, as pink flowers cascaded from his wand and attached themselves in pretty rows around his previously threatening, bleak dungeon.  
  
"Say who's the boss here!" –  
  
Snape started to do the Macarena, doing extra-provocative butt-wiggles at Harry. "I'll say it! Anything! Just please, let me have my body back!"  
  
"Say it! Or I'll make you make out with the boy..." –  
  
Harry gasped in terror as Snape's face loomed close to his own, lips puckered for a long, extra-squelchy smooch. "You're the boss!" the professor squeaked, his mouth almost close enough to brush Harry's. "You're the boss, the super-almighty-merciful-beautiful-wonderful-queen-of- everything!"  
  
With a gasp Snape straightened up, rubbing his mouth violently with one hand. The giant finger prodded him sharply in his herring-stomach.  
  
"And don't you forget it! Now, on with the show!" –  
  
"I feel unclean!" whimpered Harry, retching on the floor, "so unclean! Uncleeeeeean..." Then he realised his original purpose, and, with one last spit on the floor, he stood and faced his professor.  
  
"Sir, that must have been a terrible ordeal for you, sir," he said sympathetically, oozing smarm. "Maybe you've got something to tell me...something you'd like to get off your chest, perhaps?"  
  
Snape became aware that it was time to put phase two, the Potter phase of his plan, into progress. "Well, yes..." he admitted, with a theatrical sob. "But...oh, I shouldn't tell you, after all, I'm your teacher and you're my student..." he sniffed a little self-consciously and looked soulfully at Potter.  
  
Harry walked forward slightly, laying his hand supportively on Snape's shoulder. "You can tell me, sir...what is it? Someone you don't like? Someone been picking on you? Someone you like, maybe....?"  
  
Severus inwardly flinched at having the Potter boy's hand on his shoulder, but forced his voice out in a low, breathy gasp.  
  
"Actually...if I tell you, you promise not to tell?" he rasped.  
  
"I promise, sir," replied Harry, smiling gently back.  
  
Snape looked deep into his eyes and whispered, "Actually, I was kind of hoping that we would be forced to kiss...not that I'd need any forcing!" He licked his lips and raised his thin eyebrow in a lewd suggestion.  
  
He listened with smug satisfaction to Potter's screams, gradually becoming more distant, over the noise of the banging dungeon door. 


End file.
